So as you can see I’m really bad at blogging. I tried the content calendar, I tried jazzing things up with photos, I tried pouring my heart out and it didn’t work. I only just recently figured out why.
I just got back from a staff retreat where we were asked the question “What Drives You?”. The answer was clear to me, but every time I tried to vocalize it, I would run out of breath and my throat would close up.
I never had a fear of public speaking. I was student body president in grade school, public speaking in college was an easy A. I even acted in every play I could get my hands on, and was the leading role my senior year of high school.
Which leads me to the answer. It was always an act. I was always representing a persona or a cause, but never had to reveal my true self. One word answers have always been my response to how I was doing. I could never talk to anyone about my personal life however uneventful and undramatic it has been so far.
Therapists hate her!
Which brings me back to why I suck at blogging. I just hate talking about myself in general. In this moment, as my fingers strike the keys, I am cringing. I could never keep a diary for more than a week. It doesn’t matter if I have an audience of none, it’s just hard.
I do see some irony or hypocrisy in it since I love hearing other peoples stories. I love just listening, even if I don’t have all the answers. It was my answer to what drives me. I honestly think that without the stories we tell, we would be nothing.
SO ALL THIS MEANS I’m going to try blogging again. I figure if I can’t say it in words, I can try to say it in ink, or pixels, and then maybe I will be more in tune with who I am and all that mushy stuff.
Well what makes this different Kat?
I don’t know condescending voice in my head. I guess because I’m blogging for me instead of the world. It’s all for my own selfish purpose. I’m not trying to get more traffic to my website by posting things they would like, I’m just making an honest reflection of who I am and if people want to tune in thats fine. This is the space for me to talk about my life, whether I am sitting in bed binge watching Netflix or climbing the Great Wall of China. It’s my website and I can do what I want.